Vagina Dating

Today’s big question is this. Have I just been taking my vagina on dates for the last three years? Did I actually attend any of the dates as a human being, a complex, evolved organism full of creativeness, emotion and heart?

I’m beginning to think not.

I have been dating app dating on and off in London for three years, and last week I went on a date and came away with the startling realisation that I had arrived at that date Vagina first. And for the first time ever I thought, was that a conscious choice I made? Or is it a subconscious defence mechanism that’s spiralling slightly out of control?

Am I Vagina Dating because my vagina doesn’t suffer anxiety? She can’t tell me that she feels shit in the morning? She doesn’t wear a rejection cloak for the following week? Maybe it’s because she’s down there, far away from my heart, I can hide her and her secrets away in pretty lace knickers and let my top half face the world as if nothing ever happened.

So, ‘vagina dating’, a term I coined last week during a pissed chat with someone I regularly vagina dated in my younger years. A date where you care more about what your vagina gets out of it than you do as a person. A date where sex or sexual chemistry is the be all and end all, and you conveniently/stupidly forget to take your heart with you to avoid any serious rejection.

Before going on a date, the main question our generation ask each other is ‘you going to shag him then?’ We do it to our sisters, our gay best friend, even our not so best friends. It’s always the first question asked.

Why on earth are we sooo focused on this? In my earlier blogs I preach how sex is a physical need, a want, something natural and pleasurable that you should explore and celebrate, but the older I get the more I realise that humans can’t be fully happy without love too.

When I try to analyse why I’m so scared to present my whole self rather my hole self on date, I always end up at this thought. There is nothing more unattractive than a man who is very open about his want for a girlfriend.

‘Looking for a gf’

‘Not looking for just fun’

‘Been single for 10 years, ready to find a wife’

I immediately imagine him sat at home for ten years wanking/crying into a tissue. My annoying typewriter of a brain spells out D.E.S.P.E.R.A.T.E and then turns the Hollywood lights on a sends fireworks full of spunky/snotty tissues cascading over it. Funnily enough, I just don’t want the poor soul I’m on a date with to have that traumatic experience, so I simply rather approach a date carefree and flirtatious. Yes, Vagina first.

Is taking your heart on a date considered too dangerous these days? Am I living in a city where hearts are left at home, just in case? Are we fast city living, childless young professionals wrapping our hearts in cotton wool because they’re the only precious things we have? Are we taught by society to be too careful with our hearts?

‘Your heart is the softest place on earth, take care of it’   @nayyirah.waheed

We’re all spamming Instagram with life changing quotes about how we’re free souls that exude love and openness, but are any of us really living that way?

‘The most beautiful people wear their hearts on their sleeves, and their souls upon their smiles’ @markanthonypoet

I mean, yes that’s beautiful, but is it realistic? Are we all just fantasising on social media again? Doing that thing of pretending that our life is the next Disney phenomenon and any minute now its going to start pissing it down and some fireman will come to your door because his fire engine has broken down and he needs to use your phone… ok fine, more pornhub than Disney, but still.

Why do we do that? Where in reality, what we’re doing is walking around selling sex in the hope that we get a free side of love with it.

As we approach dates why aren’t we asking each other ‘Are you going to tell him about your anxiety? Will you mention the troubled relationship you have with your dad? What will you do if he’s really right wing? Or worse a racist?!’

Nope, it’s always just ‘You going to let him spray his man mayo in your lady quiche or what?’

It’s even reaching the point where what your vagina wears is more important than what you wear. Don’t want to look too try hard and show too much naked skin… are these diamonds too much?! Fur coat… looks like I’m hiding something underneath? Too much perfume is overwhelming, boys love a girl’s natural smell…. Right?!

What’s the answer then? Is it finally time to add my heart into the mix because there’s no way in hell I’m leaving my vagina at home, she’d be livid.

Do I need to be a bit braver and start presenting the full package and understand that you must present it all to attract the appropriate customers?

 ‘We are waiting for the buyer. 

The one who wants all of you. 

 But you have to be careful as you open up shop.

“It’s just business.” 

And some just want to look around’ @TMOF

 Does this mean that I need to go on dates with men that are willing to bring their full package to the party as well? The thought actually makes my nostrils sting. I love a challenge, but this is the scariest yet.

Yes, it’s time. I need to start going on foursomes. A fanny, a dick and a couple of hearts.     I can hear Richard Curtis scribbling the screen play as I type…

So, here goes, who would like a foursome with me?

Form an orderly queue guys.